Microsoft's Pomegranate Patience

Even Microsoft has jumped on that wagon of anti-oxidant goodness in this latest ad from Apple, Inc.

Click here to watch.

Pompeian Pomegranate Infused Red Wine Vinegar

You know, Pompeian is running out of vinegars to cram full of pomegranate-y goodness. B's mom uses that white Heinz vinegar to clean with, maybe we can start a campaign to get John Kerry's wife to put some pomegranates in that stuff.

POM Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea

So how do you pronounce lychee, anyways? Is it lie-chee or is it lee-chee or something else entirely, like one of those Welsh towns names that are twenty-seven characters long and are pronounced "Bob"? Ahem. The tea, right. Well, the label says it all, really: three flavors that are amongst the weakest in the universe come together in a weird-shaped glass container for your drinking pleasure. Enjoy it with some soda crackers and tofu to acheive non-flavored nirvana. Cheers.

Designer Whey Protein 2GO Pomegranate Protein Supplement Paks

Wow, this isn't just plain whey protein, it's designer whey protein. Hey, does this whey protein make my butt look big? Of course not, it's only 50 "good for you" calories. I bet when Paris Hilton reaches for whey protein to slip in her purse next to her suicial, underfed chihuahua, it's gotta be both designer and pomegranate-flavored.

Arizona Chinese Apple Pomegranate Green Tea with Natural Flavors

Chinese Apples are the perfect compliment to Pomegranates. The funny thing is I actually had some of this the other night and it wasn't horrible. I couldn't tell the difference between Chinese Apple and Pomegranate though, but it was Tea. So I drank it. Why couldn't I tell the difference between the two?

BECAUSE THEY ARE THE SAME THING.

Chinese Apples ARE Pomegranates. The label is only there to confuse you. There is nothing appley about Chinese Apples, it's Arizona (the company) trying to get you to buy this stuff because they're banking on the fact that you'll never bother to look it up on the Google (or cuil.com) and find out that the label is just a marketing lie.

Now, if there were some Asian Pears...

Chi-Chi's Pomegranate Martini

Nothing says sophistication like a Pomegranate Martini from a joint called Chi-Chi's. Maybe having Charo on your arm would say that as well come to think of it or driving a Dodge Aries Series K, hard to tell. Anyways, Chi-chi's sounds just a little too much like Shi-shi which in Portuguese means urinate. Yay. Don't.

Maple Grove Farms Blueberry Pomegranate All Natural Dressing

There aren't too many things I can think of that go well with Pomegranate juice, blueberry juice and thick line-your-intestines-like-you're-Bobcat Goldthwait- in Jumpin' Jack Flash oil. Maple Grove Farms thinks they can, however. Lets grind up some pomegrantes, blueberries and mix them in with spices and peppers and what-have-you with some bulk oil. Yum.

I dunno about you, but after reading all the different things that companies have mixed pomegranates in with, it's obvious...Pomegranates go well with EVERYTHING.

(Thanks to Nukezone for the photo!)

Lipton Tea Blueberry Pomegranate Iced Tea Mix To Go

Here's something that's just screaming Modern Convenience. Pomegranates and Blueberries. No, I'm just joking, it's Dehydrated Tea!

The label tells us that it has caffeine, anti-oxidants and...AND...get this...it keeps you HYDRATED. How? From the water you add to it. Science rules!

If society as a whole is dumb enough to think that somehow buying powdered tea keeps you hydrated I hope Cloverfield was real, recorded 4 years from now and somehow fell through a wormhole back into time to our present.

We don't deserve to think anymore. Oh, and what does the Pomegranate in this product do? It sells more pomegranate products to those who are inclined to follow mass trending. I shudder to think of the day when Pomegranate is an overpriced designer label interior latex paint color. On that day, my soul will scream.

Understand this: Dehydrated Tea is just tea that someone made and left it out too long. Think about it.

(Thanks to Nukezone for the pic!)

Odwalla Pomagrand Pomegranate Juice

I've been from one side of the grocery store to the other, and I've seen a lot of strange pomegranate stuff but I've never seen anything that's led me to believe there is some all-powerful pomegranate product out there.

Odwalla, while a fun thing to keep repeating over and over with a 4 year old until their mom yells at you, is still a product which causes confusion. The name sounds like some camp they'd film Meatballs part III at, but it's the flavors name that really sticks to my ribs. Pomagrand. Yeah it's sounds like Pomegrante, and 'granate' sounds like Grand, and Grand can be good but...stop...on the label is written "Pomegranate Juice" at the top, under that we see "from concentrate. Enhanced with wild berry extract."

Enhanced with untamed free-range berry squishings. Yeah. Nurish the body whole indeed. But we know what this is really just from the label...Katamari Juice. Go on, deny it. You can't.

Now that song is stuck in your head, isn't it!

(Thanks again to Nukezone for the photo!)

Drinkables Pomegranate Mangosteen Noni Acai Liquid Supplement

A. This product has too many names.
B. It's liquid in a box.
C. This tips the CB of the bandwagon and has sent small innocent people flying into the moors.

Look, if you're thinking about buying liquid in a box that's called "Drinkables" that's all well and fine but frankly, it scares me. It says "LAB CERTIFIED" on the box. Did you see that? In my mind I imagine a white box with black lettering which reads "Contents: Food. Type: Edibles" which I'd probably buy anyway just for the box. LAB CERTIFIED!

This stuff has everything tossed into it with nothing original about it. It's the Limbo of the Lost of Pomegranate products. I don't even know what O.R.A.C is but I'm sure it's headquarters of something bad that's out to arch Dr. Venture or Clutch Cargo. And in case you didn't click the image there this box reads: "Plus 8 more fruits & herbals" and "Made with organic concentrates where noted" and if that doesn't worry you nothing will, not even actually playing Limbo of the Lost.

Fly you courageous.

(Thanks to Nukezone for the photo!)

Agrolabs Naturally Pomegranate Liquid Dietary Supplement

Clearly with a name like Agrolabs, you know it's grown in a vat in a building heated by an underground boiler or two. Like Tab, this stuff was made in a lab. Do you want to drink stuff that comes from a lab? I don't. I'm not even sure what this stuff is, like Sir Alexander Fleming did, I'm sure they just called it a "dietary supplement" to have something to write on their paper to get it published. Yes, I'm saying this stuff was made accidently.

On the label we get the typical spiel about antioxidants, free radicals and heart health. Agrolabs is really just a name for corporate bandwagoness. They have all of four major products with Pomegranates, Noni, Mangosteen and Resveratrol which sounds like something you'd find in a flask on the ground playing Dungeon Siege.

Plus they have recipes for this stuff. Avoid. Ignore Laura. Do not Appreciate the Aroma or Feel the Textures. Be a sensible you and get yourself around some pasta or a cookie.. You'll be glad you did.

Agrolabs is a good name for a fertilzer company, bad for food. I mean if it's from a company called Agrolabs, how can it be "Naturally Pomegranate". Naturally Pomegranate falls from the tree and has nothing to do with a lab. What's up next for Agrolabs? Maybe they'll make a Durian Super Juice Supplement. Then you'll have an aroma to appreciate and a texture to feel, boy howdee.

(Thanks to Nukezone for the photo!)

Counter & the $665 Organic Iridium Martini (with Pomegranate seeds)

Remember those people in High School who'd inhale butane or spray wasp killer on their cigarettes? Well, they've decided to make a drink.

This is just insanity for the sake of publicity. Iridium. What they need to make it with is a drop or two of lawrencium. That's all I'm saying. Don't give this stuff another femtosecond's thought. Whoops.

At least it's organic iridium. I can just hear them now, "Ya know thujone isn't doing it for me anymore, I need something more. Say, like iridium. That sounds yummy. Gimme a few drops bartender."

Essence of Beauty's Six Pomegranate Apple Products

Well, actually it's seven Pomegranate Apple Products.

01) Shower Gel
02) Body Lotion
03) Body Cream
04) Hand Cream
05) 100% Soy Lotion Candle
06) Hand Soap

07) Lip Balm

That's seven products from one fruit from one company (I think Essence of Beauty is from some drug store like Walgreen's or CVS, I can't remember but this stuff is ESSENTIAL for your beauty!) and Pomegranate Watch's first post with two photos I think. I don't really pay attention to stuff like that but it looks convincing in the copy here.

I guess your pomegranate infused day is supposed to go something like this: Pop out of bed and hop in the shower to infuse your body with the invigorating power of Pomegranates with their Shower Gel, afterwards it's a soothing and smoothing rubdown with pomegranate infused Body Lotion so you smell as pomegranaty as you feel. Then it's off to work to brainslave™ away being creative and inspired in whatever endeavor you've committed your wonderful self to for 8-10 hours a day making the world a more smile-riffic place. After some hard thinktime you need to refresh with some Body Cream to sooth your aching bottom and hands with some Hand Cream.

Once the day is done and you've made the world brighter by as many lumens as you can (after all you're just one person) it's off to your tub/spa where you light your aromatherapeutic (wtf? that's really a word?) pomegranate infused candle to wash away your creative worries with all jets set to 8.

After a quick clean up with Pomegranate Hand Soap it's off to bed to dream about a vacation elsewhere and tempting strangers with kisses from your successful pomegranate infused Lip Balm.

You've successfully succumbed to the marketing forces as you sway in the capitalistic breeze of independence.

(I've noticed that when I drink I tend to write like a Choose Your Own Adventure Book.

If you agree, turn to page 96.
If you don't, turn to page 16.)

Pure & Natural Renewing Grapefruit & Pomegranate Liquid Hand Soap

There is a lot of filth and confusion in the world. While Pomegranates can only help so much in the confusion department they can help rid the world of filth. This time Pure & Natural is focusing on your hands which they aim to renew with the power of Grapefruits and Pomegranate. It's hard to tell from the copy on the bottle but depending on how you read it these particular pomegranates may or may not be renewing.

Hypoallergenic is a big selling point here as well since this is one of the scant few hand soap options to contain little to no peanuts, fish or latex.

Heck just pour this stuff over flapjacks and bacon, it smells that good and there's fruit in it.

Snapple Peach Pomegranate Red Tea

I know what tea is and I've even had white tea and green tea but Red Tea just reminds me of Red Dawn and drinking the blood of your vanquished to gain their power for yourself. I think this stuff is vampire pomegranate tea and I'm not trying it. Heck it could be made with some kind of wonderful horrible bloodfruit or blood red something or other for all I know.

This is what happens when you fire Wendy, Snapple. You end up with tea for vampires.

Macaroni Grill Pomegranate Martini

Macaroni Grill is a restaurant kinda like Carabbas. They both have dark atmospheres, decent food and people seeing and being seen on the scene. Here, unlike any other place in All Of Creation, Macaroni Grill has a Pomegranate Martini on their menu consisting of:

1. Orange Vodka (I think, my photo is less than optimal as the result of too many pomegranate martini's).
2. Some kind of orange liqueur.
3. Pomegranate something.

So it's yummy, you'll feel great and think the world is happy happy place as you get trashed on these things and keep banging on the table asking for another acai mangosteen baked chedder martini or whatever she's having.

Carrabbas Pomegranate Martini

Carrabbas is a restaurant kinda like Macaroni Grill. They both have dark intimate atmospheres, decent food, booze and trendy people enjoying trending things trendily. Imagine then, sitting down and discovering your favorite wow-that's-weird-I've-never-seen-that-before Fruitfad of the Moment staring back at you from the menu, as a martini, even.

At least there's some pomegranate (shhh, it's just flavored syrup) in this one, among the peach vodka, orange juice and Sprite. I guess it's more of a Grenadine Champagne Pomegranate Martini come to think of it. I'm sure it goes well with the olive and shrimp pesto lasagna tempura.

(Thanks to Nukezone for the photo!)

Fruit2O Immunity Nutrient Enhanced Water Beverage Berry Pomegranate

Little did the Earth's population know that a few sips from a Fruit2O's trend-huggin' water beverage product would have saved humankind. Due to a unique combination of water, nutrients, enhancers and pomegranate juice it has the unprecedented power to imbue upon it's imbiber complete immunity to all but the most potent combination of advertising, market trending and disposable income.

It's not just enhanced, it's nutrient enhanced.
It's not just water, it's a beverage.
It's not just berry, it's berry pomegranate.

The Republic of Tea Pomegranate Green Tea Unsweetened

In the South you have to ask for unsweetened tea. In the North all tea is unsweetened so they leave sugar packets on the table for you to figure it out. I like the fact that The Republic of Tea has decided it's up to me to sweeten their fluid or not. I'm sure it's about the same either way but at least they leave that choice to me. That's the awesome power of responsibility that is being an adult. Ahh, I can just smell my own authority. I own me. But, here's what's curious: They also sell this stuff in unbleached tea bags. I wanna know why that can of tea bags isn't called "Pomegranate Green Tea Unhydrated". Yes, I'm making that word up. I wonder how they dry and powder the pomegranate juice in the tea bags. Maybe it's just semi-dehydrated chunks of the stuff. Gack.

In summary: The Republic Of Tea makes tea. Pomegranates are the latest fruit-health-food-foreign craze. Val-la! Instant marketable product. Now, if they only sold the liquid tea in "un-outgassing" plastic bottles.

Kedem Hearty PomeGrape Pomegranate & Grape Juice

Hearty...get it? PomeGrape. NOT POMGrape, no no no. That'd be keel-haulin' words if ever there be. I don't know what a Kedem is and I'm sure most people out there in InternetLand don't either. But if there's one thing my Great Godfather in Law taught me it's this: Thank goodness it's not Pomegranate and Blueberry.

This is booze in denial.

Naked Pomegranate Blueberry

ZOMGWTFLOL!!!11!!1

Naked. Pomegranate. Blueberry.

Hey, at least fun things show up on google images for this one. Naked's just riding the coat tails of market trending here. Yes, riding Naked.

Naked Pomegranate Acai

Pomegranate still takes the front seat to Acai with the sliderulers over at Naked. Yes that mental image was intentional. I could have said back seat but that would remind me of rumble seats and that reminds me of fumble seats and that reminds me of a funny name for an old man. Mr. Fumble Seats, Now on DVD for the first time!

Naked Plentiful Pomegranate

Too much Pomegranate is never enough. I think Billy Idol once said that. So, just to be safe Naked has chosen wisely and limited the amount of pomegranate here to "plentiful" because I know for a fact that anything over "plentiful" requires FDA testing in the UK on volunteers for 5-10 years. That's why we suddenly stopped seeing Naked's "Enough Yumberries" and Naked's "Yikes That's Too Much Prune Juice" products in the 70's.

Naked Cherry Pomegranate Power

I'm not going to say one thing about this stuff being called Naked. Not one.

This isn't the first time we've seen cherries and pomegranates mushed up together and, obviously, it won't be the last. What puzzles me here is the power. The Power of Pomegranates. Maybe we need detergent with pomegranate juice instead. That sounds more like it. Anyways, from what the label is telling me this stuff gives you the power of cherries and pomegranates and allows you to type lame blog posts sans pants. Hmmm...maybe it does work. I think I can feel it working...

Pomegranate Chocolate

I think pomegranates are becoming NSFW or something because even if I look up electric cars I find links to pomegranate wares. Here's some pomegranate chocolate from a country that's not America. Which means they're probably not horrible.

As a fact of the matter (I never get to say that) I was just joking about pomegranate chocolate the other day with my girlfriend. We both had a good laugh over the absurdity of the idea and that we'd never witness it in real life. It's simply too wacky.

Welch's White Grape Pomegranate Juice

I still think of someone reneging on a bet when I see this company name. Maybe it started out that way:

"Lets make some pomegranate juice thing. All the cool companies are doing it."
"But how can we leverage our corporate brand voice in this emerging marketspace?"
"Mix it with something familiar yet unfamiliar."
"Brilliant, like what?"
"Mangosteen!"
"What? No one likes Mango juice."
"But, it's not....aarrh. We can get grape juice in bulk. What about grapes?"
"White grapes so it has a slightly sinister feel to it."
"Sure. If it makes sense to you."
"Yes, that would maximize our verticality in this sector and possibly ensure profit stability in pomegranate trending should it ever begin to transition."

SuitJuice™, that's all pomegranate juice is.

Kroger Brand Cranberry Pomegranate Juice

"Hey lets take the generic bulk pomegranate juice we by from Overthere Land™ and mix in a whole lot of Cranberry juice. Not only will it "water" the pomegranate juice down and save some moolah, it'll appeal to the adventurous health-conscious consumer marketspace!"

Or just the lushes since it's probably not so bad with some boozy-woozy. Rock on Kroger. I just hope some high class bar isn't using this stuff and charging a limb for it. Actually I do hope so, I just hope I'm not paying that night. Health is overrated...healthy things doubly so.

Kroger Brand Pomegranate Juice

I thought Sam's brand was frightening. Here's some generic pomegranate juice in a big 'ol plastic jug from Kroger. I wonder if it's from their own source or all of these pomegranate juices comes from the same factory and they just slap their label on and call it a product like Soylent Green or Orange or Chartreuse.

I imagine a company somewhere over there in Overthere Land™, churning out gazillions of gallons of this stuff, I imagine them injecting into the jugs and then I imagine them taking whatever label Kroger Marketing has emailed them as a EPS file, printing and gluing (glueing?) it on. I imagine the whole thing run by Cherry 2000's or better yet...Cherry 2008's. Rawrrr...

Kedem Hearty Pomegranate Juice

Kedem really hasn't brought much to the table here with a jug of plain-jane pomegranate juice. It was on the bargain shelf at a small grocery store. It's label faded ever so slightly from the tears of it's loneliness. At least it looked like it was from tears...it was hard to see though all the dust on it.

Infinite Health Water Blueberry Pomegranate

Infinite Health. It's like a plastic grail. One bottle is all you need ever. Ever! Drink this once and be healthy for the rest of all time (assuming death is unhealthy for a person). Immortality in a bottle. I'd have bought this were it called Immortality Health Water Blueberry Pomegranate. Twice.

Apple & Eve Pomegranate Blueberry Juice

I get it. Adam takes a bite out of "the fruit of knowledge of good and evil" and we get stuck with 40 centuries of Pomegranate Products. Why is this company named Apple & Eve? Is that clever? It doesn't even say it was an apple in the Bible. This company omits Adam's name and promotes an incorrect belief. The belief that Pomegranate & Blueberry juice were a combination God intended. They weren't. She likes Mangos.

TrueBlue Blueberry Pomegranate Juice

TrueBlue makes me think of things Ruth Wellis would sing about from the 50's aside from tootin' and yo yo's. TrueBlue just sounds like something people would say back then when it was gravid with subtleties. Not much else to say here, it's blueberries and pomegranates, like we've never seen that before. Unless this stuff is frozen or drowning in some kinda tumbler I don't think anyone really gives it a second thought. Blueberry & Pomegranate is the Vanilla of the juice world. Why can't people just accept that?

Nantucket Nectars All Natural Pomegranate Cherry Juice

Nantucket Nectars sounds like a gang of bees or something. Maybe a Jai-Alai team. Again here we have the same problem, sure it's 100% Juice but it's not all Cherry and Pomegranate Juice. Remember when you'd buy cereal to get the cool Adventure Spoon inside only to find out it's like a third the size it is on the box? Same thing. I'm never buying Kellogg's again.

(p.s. An adventure fork would be boss)

Thanks to Tommy for the photo!

Pompeian Pomegranate Infused Blush Balsamic Vinegar

Ah, remember the good old days, when a chef had only one pomegranate-infused vinegar available to her? Welcome to tomorrow, baby, cause it's time to blast into the future with the new hotness, blush balsamic vinegar. With pomegranates. Leave your old 'n busted balsamics at the door, pretty mama, cause the blush balsamic is here to rock your world. Or kitchen. Whev.

Softsoap Pomegranate & Mango Hand Soap

When I saw that walker had saved a draft of this soap, I was positive that it was a dupe. Well, it is and it isn't. See, Softsoap has made Pomegranate and Mango-scented soap for your body, and has also made Pomegranate and Mango-scented soap for your hands. Two completely different products! My bad, walker.

Archer Farms Naturally Flavored Blueberry Pomegranate Italian Soda

Archer Farms, as all hep cats know, is one of the store brands at Target (the other, Market Pantry, is the standard generic stuff -- Archer Farms is for folks who can't or won't go to Whole Foods and hope their friends don't notice the label). Here the Red Rooster of Epicurean Delights presents us with an Italian soda featuring two antioxidant-rich treats (really, the blueberry-pomegranate combo is pretty standard, no points for originality there). Bottoms-up, you Pampered Chef spatula-wielding fiends!

Hydrive Energy Drink from Spring Water Pomegranate

It's getting to the point where searching for anything online turns up surfeit of naughtyness or Pomegranates. I search for info about ethernet ports and I find pomegranates.

Why doesn't google have a pomegranate filter? Where's that in the google lab? Would someone at google please spend 2% of their given 20% Personal Project budget and whip one up?

This stuff is an energy drink but with a difference. It's stuff like taurine and caffeine and sucrose but from the ad copy it's much much less:

...by combining natural spring water with a proprietary ingredient blend...

You know what that means? It's pomegranate juice and caffeine...but wait! There's less! It's water + Pomegranate Juice + Caffeine. It's watered-down diluted pomegranate juice. I guess the pomegranate juice in it is there to take the edge off of the spring water. I think they want us to pay for less. I really do.

Tropical Breeze Pomegranate and Lychee Bath Gift Set

This is identical to this thing except this includes Bath Salts and Bath Crystals.

Salt, Pomegranates, Lychees...that's like just waiting to be turned into a margarita. I think this is a margarita kit in disguise. No one wants to come out of a shower smelling like a margarita. At least no one I know, Unfortunately.

Tropical Breeze Pomegranate & Lychee Travel Set

Here's a cute tiny travel set that no one on Earth needs. This set is I suppose, for those on-the-go types who still haven't figured out that 99.99% (repetend) hot-sheet hotels & no-tell motels come with tiny shampoo bottles and sometimes even tiny booze bottles so you can wash away both kinds of detritus of the day.

Maybe it's for the pomegranately addicted who hasn't reached step 4 yet. I dunno. But what's bizzare to me is that the Body Scrub, Shower Gel & Body Lotion here are all Pomegranate & Lychee scented/flavored just like some other products we've discovered only you can't (for the most part) eat these. So, theoretically you could hose off with these things then drink tea made with the same stuff. I don't even think Kolchak could figure out why someone would do that.

World Market Italy All Natural Pomegranate Soda With Pomegranate Juice

World Market is trying to confuse you.

Get this, the name of their bottled pomegranate product is:

World Market Italy All Natural Pomegranate Soda With Pomegranate Juice

What? Huh? Pomegranate Soda WITH Pomegranate Juice?

I say if they need to print on the label that it's Pomegranate Soda with Pomegranate Juice then that's really not too far from just hanging up a huge sign that reads "Hey you, customer...we think you're none too smart in the thinks department. Give us money." Which is sad, because World Market it actually a pretty spiffy place with clean bathrooms.

Then they paste ITALY on the label in a rectangular box at an angle because the heady muckety-muck at World Market world domination headquarters thinks you'll think it's stamped on there when it was imported and put on the ship. In fact, I believe they would have put the world imported on there instead but just wanted to save ink.

Bottle Green Drinks Elderflower & Pomegranate Presse

While looking up Belvoir Fruit Farms Pomegranate & Raspberry Pressé I happened upon this mixture of happy sadness.

Bottle Green Drinks has mixed for us Pomegranate juice and Elderflower juice. Yes, elderflower. The Shrub or as some would call it, Small Tree. Look, I'm not saying anything, but this isn't the first time I've seen pomegranate juice mixed with tree juice. I think something's up. After the whole scary pine tree mess in the 70's, I'm beginning to think that Euell Gibbons is behind all this touting of drinking tree juice. Just don't. Don't drink the juice of a tree. Think of the kittens.

Belvoir Fruit Farms Pomegranate Raspberry Pressé

I've never heard of this company before and I have no idea what a Pressé is. To me -the typical dumb American- it sounds like press so it must be pressed pomegranates and raspberry juice in a fancy-smancy overpriced bottle that's imported.

The label is confusing to me as well. It looks homemade, like something Diane Keaton would make in 1987 and the idea of a paper strip sealing off it's fruity goodness like a "Sanitized For Your Protection" strip just makes me plum nervous. (Yes, it was really tempting to say pomegranate nervous there.)

Still when the label reads 100% Good Pressé you can't go wrong because you can not not trust advertising like that. At the bottom it reads "Gently Bubbling with Pomegranate and Raspberry Juice" which I'm sure you will be after tickling your nose with this non-alcoholic imported hoity-toity froo-froo drinky-winky.

Absurdly large photo of the stuff here.

Fruitsense Pomegranate Blueberry Mangosteen

I don't know what the hell this crap is.

The label says it's Water (okay, I can drink and swim in that stuff), Fruit Juice (that goes in booze), Vitamins (like eating Betty or Wilma). Makes sense.

What juices pray-tell? Pomegranates, Blueberries and Mangosteens. Mangosteen? What the hell is that? Let's look it up:

The mangosteen (Garcinia mangostana) is a tropical evergreen tree, believed to have originated in the Sunda Islands and the Moluccas.

Let's stop reading right there. This is TREE JUICE from a tree no one's sure where it came from. Have you heard of Moluccas? No, you haven't...stop pretending. Heck, it could be an evil alien space tree for all we know. It sure looks like one. No way I'm drinking the juice of an Evil Alien Space Tree. Sorry.

I see on the label Cardio CoQ 10 which roughly translates to DON'T DRINK THIS. Did you know there are more than one type of antioxidants? (aside from the natural and not-natural kind, that is). I didn't, but apparently this Evil Alien Space Tree Juice has type C and E antioxidants.

Just jog away from this mess.

Old Orchard Premium Pomegranate Black Currant

Old Orchard knows how to not disappoint. Pomegranates and Black Currant...not only that it's PREMIUM...not only that it's SUPER-PREMIUM and it has Natural Antioxidants and if that wasn't enough it's Flavored 100%!

It's also a Juice Blend From Concentrate.

At least it's on sale.

Tip: Leave this sitting around in the sun long enough (I say a month) and you'll end up with some powerful ReVah. Which is much better than Dorm-room Cider.

Sam's Choice 130% Vitamin C Pomegranate Cranberry

Sam's Choice is Sam's brand. Sam loves him some pomegranate cranberry and I know for a fact he loves this stuff. He's been drinking it every single day since March 29, 1918, actually. I mean it says Sam's Choice right there on the label, so he must have personally selected this stuff to put on the short shelves of his tiny five & dime store.

I think Sam loves this stuff so gosh-darned much because it has 130% Vitamin C per serving. That's what happens with it's From Concentrate, Nebraska. Drinking a glass of this stuff is like eating 236 oranges in one sitting, it's so good for you in fact, that you'll never take another Redoxon again.

Pomegranates + Cranberries + 130% Vitamin C = Finding time to finish reading War & Peace...finally.

Ruby Kist 100% Juice Pomegranate Blueberry

I ran across this one in a "dollar store" which is obvious by the $2.50 price for this stuff. That's 3.90625¢ per FL OZ. ya know. So nothing Earth rattling here, it's 100% Juice with the by now rather pedestrian combo of Pomegranate and Blueberry. Under that we read the somewhat troubling "A flavored blend of 5 juices with added ingredients"...added ingredients just sounds wrong on a few levels. Other than Juice and Water really, what else is there to add? Heck, I'd prefer they don't even add water and just keep the stuff refrigerated.

Ruby Kist seems naughty, especially with a big suspicious yellow drop emanating from the logo. Only two things come to mind when I see yellow drops and their names are interchangeable when you're 8 years old.

It's from concentrate as well, which after seeing it so many times I'm beginning to believe it's a small town somewhere.

I'll be 9 next Tuesday.

Archer Farms Pomegranate Berry 100% Juice

Archer Farms realizes that not everyone wants to walk around like they just ate some Alum so they added some sweet mysterious blend of three juices from concentrate together to take the edge off. I'll bet this stuff rocks with booze. Wait, is that a discount price sticker?

Archer Farms Pomegranate 100% Juice From Concentrate

I'm just knocking these juice posts outta the park tonight. Go me!

Okay, if you don't know (ie..live on Venus) Archer Farms is Target's own brand of stuff and it's really not bad at all as evidenced by the simplicity of the label. It's 100% Pomegranate Juice from concentrate. They ain't hiding 'nothing.

Is it good for you? Is it Plus? Does it keep your boobies or heart healthy? I dunno, it doesn't say and it doesn't matter. You want Pomegranate juice? Great, here's some, says Archer Farms.

Lakewood Organic 100% Fruit Juice Pomegranate with Cranberry

Lakewood Organic 100% Fruit Juice Heart Healthy Pomegranate With Cranberry Super Anti Oxidant 100% Juice Blend.

ORGANIC! SUPER! BLEND! Names of poorly named products are funnier if you read them metrically like that.

Anyways, this stuff will make your heart healthy, it doesn't matter if you're a 4 month old baby or Jason Vorhees just waking up after that bad lightning storm, Camp Crystal Lakewood will fix you right up...with cranberry. Plus from my really bad photo, it looks like it's USDA approved just like meat. I think Upton still drinks this stuff.