Archer Farms Pomegranate 100% Juice From Concentrate

I'm just knocking these juice posts outta the park tonight. Go me!

Okay, if you don't know (ie..live on Venus) Archer Farms is Target's own brand of stuff and it's really not bad at all as evidenced by the simplicity of the label. It's 100% Pomegranate Juice from concentrate. They ain't hiding 'nothing.

Is it good for you? Is it Plus? Does it keep your boobies or heart healthy? I dunno, it doesn't say and it doesn't matter. You want Pomegranate juice? Great, here's some, says Archer Farms.

Lakewood Organic 100% Fruit Juice Pomegranate with Cranberry

Lakewood Organic 100% Fruit Juice Heart Healthy Pomegranate With Cranberry Super Anti Oxidant 100% Juice Blend.

ORGANIC! SUPER! BLEND! Names of poorly named products are funnier if you read them metrically like that.

Anyways, this stuff will make your heart healthy, it doesn't matter if you're a 4 month old baby or Jason Vorhees just waking up after that bad lightning storm, Camp Crystal Lakewood will fix you right up...with cranberry. Plus from my really bad photo, it looks like it's USDA approved just like meat. I think Upton still drinks this stuff.

V8 V•Fusion Vegetable & Fruit Pomegranate Blueberry 100% Juice

[smacks forehead]

Okay, V8 V•Fusion Vegetable & Fruit Pomegranate Blueberry 100% Juice

Only it's not. It's also a Full Serving of Vegetables. WTF? Yes, this Frankenjuice© concoction is mashed up Blueberries, Pomegranates and likely a FULL SERVING of veggies that you DRINK. As in Jack Lalanne drink. Gah.

You can't hide these veggies under your mashed potatoes.

[/smacks forehead]

Northland Naturals Pomegranate Blueberry Plus

Look, just read this post and replace Cherry with Blueberry and you have this stuff. Curse you Northland! We're watching you.

Northland Naturals Pure Pomegranate Juice

Northland doesn't know when to stop...FILLING YOU WITH GOODNESS! Look, they care, they really do. So this bottle contains 100% Pomegranate Juice, and because of this apparently, since there isn't any juice from cherries or cranberries to pollute the pure wunderbar natural goody goodness of smashed up pomegranates, this stuff contains Rich In Antioxidants.

It's 100% Pomegranate Juice. Ignore all that other stuff about it being from concentrate with a little Other Added Juices. Really, just don't read that part, read only the bigger fonts. You're life will go smoother that way. Fine print is for squares, man.

Northland Naturals Pomegranate Juice Blend with Cherries

Honestly, I'm not sure what the name of this product is. My best guess is:

Northland Naturals Pomegranate Plus 100% Juice Blend No Sugar Added Pomegranate Cherry

At least that's what it read on the receipt when I didn't buy any of this. What's the Plus for? The combined goodness of Pomegranate and Cherry that's nothing like the combined power of Pomegranate and Cranberry like their other product below? No way monkeyboy! The plus here are 10 ESSENTIAL Vitamins and Minerals. ESSENTIAL!

That means you die if you don't get them, so what Northland is saying is "Drink our product or die."

They should put something that's really essential on the label, like I dunno...water?

Northland Cranberries 100% Juice Cranberry Pomegranate

Northland, which may or may not be Canada or the Soviet Union depending on where from space you're reading this post, has decided that 100% Juice with "No Sugar Added" is really the best thing for us ever. EVER! Get some of this in you and see your salary skyrocket, your spouse become more beautifuller and all of your children appreciate you.

Why don't they just call this swill "Tart Sauce" because with the tartness of cranberries and the power of Pomegranate this stuff will knock your Wellies™ off.